Parentification; an act of reversing roles with your child, an act where the parent takes on the role of the child and the child takes on the role of a parent. The definition talks about a child or adolescent taking on this role due to obligation.
Defining parentification seems to oversimplify it to such an extent that the complexities and complications around a traumatic experience from parentification is lost, the definition alone cannot express to you the carnage such an experience leaves behind, it can not express to you the deep rooted history involved within it and how it goes much deeper than one period of time, a parentified relationship doesn’t just remain in the childhood of that child, it follows them into adulthood creating a new generation of wounded adults who can then go onto carrying on the trauma until someone decides enough is enough.
Before we get too ahead of ourselves, we should go where the research takes us and see what the experts are saying, an article on healthline talks about the healthy parts of parentification, it talks about how parentification when done well and within the healthy capabilities of a child’s development increases independence, empathy and compassion. The article uses the example of a child supporting their parent or sibling who has a short term or long-term illness, it speaks about how a child who takes on some responsibility of supporting the household in that way develops a strong bond and connection with that parent or sibling. The point that needs to be grasped here is the child took on a supportive role and not a leading role which allows the child to have the space to grow, learn and develop in a healthy space.
To link the definition of parentification to the article above, both do fall under the feeling of obligation, its just a matter of what falls under healthy and unhealthy obligations and what someone perceives as a healthy and unhealthy obligation along with how they feel about the obligation. For us to learn more about healthy and unhealthy obligations and the feelings behind them we need to explore the other side of the coin, we need to look into the research on the trauma and wounds around parentification, we need to see the negative side effects of going through such a childhood.
When I came across an article on medicalnewstoday it spoke about how in some cases parentification can have some positive effects such as building resilience and competency but that the negative effects were much more damaging, it describes parentification where you are placed in the situation and there was no mention of being obliged, another blog (psychologytoday) mentioned how parentification is when a child is forced to take on the role of a parent, regardless of whether it is an obligation or something that is forced upon or placed upon the child the negative effects mentioned were consistently the same, a child who had gone through such an experience was at risk and highly likely to develop anxiety, depression and other negative psychological effects.
A child who goes through the trauma around being parentified loses out on fundamental stages of childhood growth and development, they were not able to connect with themselves which results in a lack of connection with their older self an inability to have fun and connect with their inner child, joy becomes a luxury and one they refuse to reward themselves due to feelings of guilt, lack and as if they are underserving due to the fact they always had to prioritise the needs and wellbeing of someone else, it was “selfish” if they even considered thinking about themselves and often times the child would be shamed or would lose out on love and connection from their carer or family if they did not stick to the role of parent.
In order to honour the child inside of us that did everything to keep us safe we need to give them all that they deserve, we need to let them feel safe, real safety, safety that is not based around fear and shame, we need to allow ourselves to explore and get to know ourselves! Amongst all the research I have done the most common and the best way to heal that child who never got to be child is to be a parent and friend to that child, provide them with emotional support and structure, let them be a child! Let them Play! Play as much as you can and play some more! There is nothing wrong with experiencing joy and being a bit silly now and then! The research also suggests providing your inner child with a strong community of people who share your values, who understand you and support your healing journey.
I want to end this blog post acknolwedging and validating the survivors of parentification, to live through such an experience like that is more than a definition, its more than a list of benefits and a character developing event, it is more than a list of symptons and side effects, to live through and survive paretification means coming to terms with a loss of a life that deserved to be lived, it means to mourn what should have and could have been, it means to acknolwedge and mourn a painful experience even though death may not have been involved which in itself leaves its own sets of wounding and a sense of loss that can only be comforted by the gentle touch of inner child work and healing.
You and your innerchild deserve to feel heard and valued! If you have any questions and would like to explore your inner-child then please contact Yelna and start your healing journey!
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